16.3.18

Thoughts of a 3 years old mother









No passado Sábado a Nina fez 3 anos. Continuo com aquela estranha sensação de que o tempo voa mas, ao mesmo tempo, passa muito devagar. A maternidade continua a ser o meu maior desafio, não tanto pela dificuldade em lidar com uma criança de 3 anos, mas mais pelo que significa lidar com uma mãe de 3 anos... porque esta aventura traz também ao de cima o meu lado mais lunar, mais vulnerável, mais oscilante, os meus medos, as minhas inseguranças, as minhas angústias, as minhas necessidades mais primárias... Assumir este papel significa ter uma experiência muito enriquecedora, muito gratificante, muito divertida. Mas também ter de aceitar que não posso controlar absolutamente nada. Significa sentir-me pequenina e muito triste de cada vez que a minha filha adoece e tenho, simplesmente, de me pôr em standby (e como eu resisto a isso!). Significa sentir que também preciso de ser protegida e acarinhada, para me sentir segura, para poder transmitir força, para tomar decisões (que são constantes). Significa precisar mais do que nunca de ter o meu espaço e tempo só meus, para regressar ao meu centro, e muitas vezes não o ter. Significa ter de me conhecer em todos os recantos, os bons e os menos bons, para estar plenamente consciente do que faço, do que digo, da energia que transmito, do exemplo que dou. 

Se a tudo isto juntar uma outra aventura que é a de ter um trabalho criativo, como freelancer, a partir de casa, temos grande cocktail de emoções cheias de vontade própria :) Mas está tudo bem assim, faz parte do processo de crescimento e não me arrependo de nada!

Os dias por aqui têm-se resumido a uma dança entre os meus dois grandes mundos, o da mãe e o da artista. Pelo meio, tento não deixar as outras coisas (não menos) importantes muito para trás, a família, os amigos, a casa, eu própria, o lazer. Sei que não sou totalmente bem sucedida, mas vou dando o meu melhor. Em dias de sol, tudo parece mais fácil!

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Last Saturday, Nina turned 3. I still have that strange feeling that time flies but also passes very slowly. Motherhood is still my biggest challenge, not so much for having to deal with a 3 years old kid, but more because it means having to deal with a 3 years old mother... because this adventure also brings up my most lunar, vulnerable and oscillating side, my fears, my insecurities, my anguish, my most primary needs... Taking on this role means having such a rich, gratifying and fun experience. But it also means having to accept that I cannot control absolutely anything. It means feeling so little and sad when my daughter gets sick and I just have to put myself on hold (and god knows how I resist to that!). It means also the need to feel myself protected and cherished, in order to feel safe, and be able to give strength and make decisions (and they are sooo many!). It means needing more than ever my own space and time, so I can go back to my center, and many times not getting it. It means learning so much about all my inner corners, the good and the not so good ones, to be able to be fully conscious of everything I do, everything I say, my energy in each moment, the role model I'm being. 

If to all this we add another big adventure that is a creative job, as a freelancer, from home, then we get a cocktail of crazy emotions :) But everything is fine, it's part of the growing process and I don't regret a thing!

Days around here have been such a dance between my two big worlds, the mother and the artist. Somewhere in between, I try not to let the other (not less) important things behind, family, friends, our home, myself, leisure. I know I don't succeed very well in all of them, but I'm giving my best. On sunny days, everything seems easier!

2 comments:

fran said...

Dear friend, thank you for your words! (Which I have finally got around to reading).
They are beautiful, capturing so much of the ups and downs of this wild & wonderful dance that is motherhood & womanhood. Soon I too will be a mama to a three year old, and it does me so much good to read how another mama is slowly reconnecting with herself (and also at times finding it hard to do so because of, well life!).
For me too, motherhood is both the most beautiful & most challenging thing I have ever done in my life - in these past three years, I have changed & grown so much and I feel some days like only now am I starting to catch my breath! I think we have a need to be still and sit with ourselves, to get to know our inner heart once again, and of course this is just not always possible with family life & all the other things that can so easily pile up on top of us. I am so grateful that you shared this (and for your words of encouragment over on my little journal). and I am so grateful that we both have making & creativity in our lives...to help us find the way home again perhaps.
Very happy 3rd birthday to your Nina....and also happy Birth Day to you mama friend, XxXxXx

Adriana Oliveira said...

Thank you dear friend! I'm happy these thoughts can help you and bring you hope that soon you'll reconnect with yourselfagain! Yes, it's a slow and hard process, but you're already familiar with that, slow and hard processes, and so you will be just fine on this one too, and get stronger with it! Thank you for your words, they mean a lot! 😘